Self-care is a term commonly used on social media and throughout health and wellness communities. It is one of those terms that is used so much that the meaning can be lost. If you’re unsure of what self-care means for you, you’re not alone. Let’s look deeper into what self-care is and what it is not.

Conflict is a natural, normal part of all relationships. We can’t agree on everything, all the time! Conflict is an opportunity for growth, to better understand those we interact with, and to honor our values and feelings. Perhaps one of the most important parts of resolving conflict includes picking the right time to address it. It’s also important to connect with the person you’re in conflict with to determine if it is an appropriate time to talk about the problem. 

The acronym HALT can be very useful in considering if now is the time to address the problem. HALT stands for hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. It is not a good time to face a conflict if one or both parties does not have the needs of food, sleep, and connection or if one or both individuals are experiencing elevated levels of anger. You or the person you are engaging with may not have the capacity to think through the problem at hand if your basic needs are not met. This does not mean that the conflict shouldn’t be addressed. The acronym simply suggests taking a time out until these needs are met and then try attempting to problem solve together. 

It’s also important to consider what distractions could be interfering with effective problem solving. Distractions like screen time, other people in the environment, or additional obligations like work or parenting may signal that it is not the appropriate time to engage in a serious, problem solving conversation. Internal distractions like those previously mentioned (fatigue, hunger, thoughts, and feelings) should also be considered when approaching conflicts. Environments should be calm, free of distractions, and safe when communicating about serious conflicts. Please consider the topic at hand and if it is appropriate to have others present at the time of the conversation. 

The most effective way to determine the right time to address conflict is by connecting with yourself and with the other person. Check-in with yourself and determine what you need. It can help to cope ahead by engaging in restorative activities, practicing mindfulness, and meeting your own needs. Once you have determined that you’re in a good state of mind, can think logically, and are open to problem solving, it is time to talk with the person you’re in conflict with. Discuss with that individual if their needs are met (remember HALT), if now is a good time, and ask about any potential distractions or barriers to resolving the conflict at this time. If you are both open to having the discussion, have basic needs met, and feel that it is an appropriate time, begin to problem solve and discuss the conflict. Remember, it is okay to take breaks if tempers escalate or if conversation becomes stagnant. You may have to repeat this process several times before being able to effectively resolve the conflict at hand. 

There is never a perfect time to talk through conflicts, but there are factors that you can control in order to have more effective resolutions. Breaks from conversations can be helpful and healthy but avoiding conflict altogether can increase feelings of anger, resentment, and create further conflicts. If you are noticing patterns of conflict avoidance, it can be helpful to schedule times that work for both parties to sit down and discuss the issue. 

Wondering when to start couples therapy? Whether conflict is building, communication is breaking down, or you simply want to deepen your connection, therapy can strengthen your relationship at any stage. There is no “magic” time to start seeking growth. The time is now!